Tuesday, 29 May 2012

The Wall (Mommy-style)

I'd expected to be a bit frazzled and over-emotional in the wake of Linus' birth, but was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't the case.  I think in part because my recovery was so awesome, I felt really great in the early weeks.  I was sailing on new mommy adrenaline and Linus was pretty easy.  He slept a lot and only really cried when hungry.  I was able to get good chunks of sleep and was keeping up with the laundry and dishes.

Early days

Some of my mommy friends had talked about their husbands coming home and being unsure who to comfort first- their crying wife or crying baby.  I just couldn't relate.  I'd never really felt tearful or weepy.  I mean, sure, I'd been frequently tired and occasionally stressed, but overall I was doing really well.  I'm sure Ross' non-traditional schedule and amazing helpfulness helped.  There were a few times when he'd sense that I was nearing the end of my rope and would step in to give me some extra time.  (Sadly, because I'm breastfeeding a bit of extra time is the most he can give me as it always comes back to me/my boobs!)

But then this weekend.  Oh, this weekend!  In the last week or so, Ross and I both noticed that Linus seemed to have made some big strides developmentally.  He was a lot more smiling and interactive.  His personality was really starting to show and he was just SO FUN.  I'm fairly certain it was related that his sleep also went to hell.  He was eating frequently and doing little catnaps.  Up and down.  Up and down.  All. night. long.  Add to this the fact that Ross came down with a horrible cold that just wiped him flat out and you had one exhausted mom.  I was so tired.

Pouty face

I still didn't think it was that bad, until two nights ago when Linus woke up in the middle of the night after being asleep for only a very short while, I started to sob.  Not little misty tears.  Big, full out crying.  It just hit me all at once.  Something Ross had said earlier in the evening just kept looping through my mind.  He asked if I was ok to make my own omelette because he "didn't think he had anything left" to do it for me.  Now, he's not a jerk.  He was really, really sick.  But his words resonated in my exhausted brain.  I just kept thinking that it didn't matter if I had anything left to give or not, because I didn't have a choice.  I know I always have the choice to switch to formula to give myself a break, but I'm just not willing to do that.  Breastfeeding it really important to me.  I hate mommy-martyrs (or really martyrs of any kind) and that moment was the first time that I'd felt a martyr to it.  It was an awful feeling.  I felt the bed spin as I cried- like it had after parties in college when I'd had too much to drink.

Ross quickly snapped out of sleep and hugged me and asked what was wrong.  I was unable to answer him and just continued to sob.  He pleaded with me to talk to him.  I managed to get out "I'm just SO. TIRED."  He got out of bed and got Linus, comforting him and giving me a few minutes.  All in all, I think my little meltdown lasted less than 10 minutes.  I managed to pull myself together and feed Linus and put him back to sleep.  Ross stayed awake for awhile to rub my back and offer moral support.

We made it through the night and Ross gave us strict instructions to spend Monday sleeping as much as possible.  I wasn't to leave the house or try to accomplish anything.  I slept whenever Linus did and managed to crawl my way out of complete exhaustion.  By then end of the day I was back to my usual self.  Still tired, but in no danger of bursting into tears.

Then, Monday night, something magical happened.  I started Linus' bedtime routine at around 8:15PM.  I massaged him with coconut oil, put him in his PJs and nursed him.  Then I put him in his crib an swaddled him.  He started to fuss and I wasn't convinced that he'd go to sleep and prepared myself to have to go back in and try again.  I took the monitor into the lounge and within a few minutes he was asleep.  It was just after 9PM.  I went to bed at 10:30PM.  I woke up momentarily a few times during the night to tell Ross to roll over so that he'd stop snoring and probably out of habit, but was quickly back asleep.  Linus didn't wake up until 5AM!  He then had a diaper change, ate and was back asleep by 5:45.  He then slept until 9:15AM.  And so did I.

Happy boy

And it was glorious!

(I'm hoping that this is the start of something good, but also trying to remember that it might be a fluke.  Fingers crossed that it is a sign of things to come.)

When did your baby start sleeping through the night?
Did it happen all at once or gradually?
Did your baby ever cut you slack just when you really needed it?

1 comment:

  1. it's probably because you don't really have a life outside your apartment.