Thursday, 8 September 2011

Waiting Game pt. 2 (a serious case of the crazies)

TMI series.  It was funny reading this back just before publishing... ah the craziness of trying to conceive...

written May 22, 2011

So I'm completely convinced that I'm pregnant.
But don't tell me.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

I'm in the dreaded 2 week wait.  What master of torture devised this timing structure?
Not long after I would have actually become pregnant my boobs went crazy.  Like in a way I've never known.  It wasn't soreness as much as sensitivity.  Particularly in the nipple area.  (Hey I told y'all this was part of the TMI series.)  It was driving me to distraction.

I've also been fairly emotional.  For no reason.  Like earlier today, I burst into tears because Ross said I looked pretty.  That's normal, right?

So basically- I'm making myself crazy.  If I am pregnant, I won't know for another 12 days or so.  And then all of my craziness will make sense.  But.  BUT!  What if I'm not pregnant?  Then I'll be super-sad.  And I'll be having weird symptoms for no reason.

When I told Ross this, he said to just assume I'm pregnant.  So I sort of am.  But I'm also bracing myself for disappointment.  (But I secretly don't think I will be.  Disappointed that is.)

Cause I really think I'm pregnant.
But keep it a secret from me.
I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

written May 24, 2011

So I'm still pretty sure I'm pregnant.  If not, I'm possibly insane.
It's amazing how many things are "symptoms" of pregnancy.
I'm pretty sure if you google anything physical (or even emotional) "+ pregnancy" you will find several results.
I think I might need a google ban...

written May 26, 2011

I'm half way through the two week wait.  I'm becoming riddled with doubt.  Sure I'm still having "symptoms", but what if it's all in my head?!  What if my period starts next week and I've just been crazy?
This is lame.  Lame.  LAME!

written May 27, 2011

So I hit a tipping point earlier today where I decided that- NOPE- I'm definitely no pregnant.  It lasted about 5 minutes.  I was absolutely positive for those 5 minutes and I was very sad.  Then I realized that I was being weirdly emotional, which then brought the doubt back.  Then I noticed that my boobs hurt, then I felt like crying.  Ok- I'm back on the doubt train.  Bleh.

written May 28, 2011

Yesterday I did some more crazy obsessive internet searching about early pregnancy symptoms.  I try not to buy into the craziness, but sometimes I just can't help it.  It actually ended up making me feel a bit better about the amount of my insanity.  I mean, sure I'm flipping out, but at least I'm not writing logs that include tidbits like this:
-slight pain in my left ovary area (possibly egg releasing?)
-twinge in my back
-I was lying in bed and my right leg fell asleep!  It didn't stop until I rolled on my side and went to sleep.  Weird!!
I'm obsessing, but I'm not tracking every tiny pain or strange feeling I'm having. I also haven't taken a pregnancy test yet.  I can't believe how many women take them ridiculously early!  Sure, it's taking all my willpower, but I haven't taken one yet.  That means I'm only a normal amount of insane, right? :)

written May 29, 2011

I was sure my period was starting last night.  A little bit of light spotting and I was ready to throw in the towel.  I figured it was only a matter of time.  It's now been 18 hours and there's no sign of any more friendly visit.  Bleh!  I'm holding it together pretty well, but the waiting is killing me.  I've always been this way about hating the "limbo" period of anything.  Not that I know many people who are good with it...  I keep telling myself that I'd be fine either way- as long as it was a definitive answer.  But Mother Nature don't play fair.  Have I mentioned- bleh!

written May 30, 2011

Still no sign of my period.  I had a killer migraine last night.  I haven't had one in ages.  It is so frustrating to try and maintain composure when you're waiting to find out.  I mean, I know I've done an amazing job of it so far, but I wanted y'all to know that this kind of grace doesn't come easy. :)  I'm trying not to read "symptoms" into everything and obsess, but I'm failing.  Not failing miserably, though, just failing.

written May 31, 2011

I'm not pregnant.  Hmph.

written June 1, 2011

Well this month has been a total roller coaster.  I can't say I was a fan.  As you can read- I went from being absotively sure that I was pregnant for a while.  I still think that something was different this month.  Perhaps I had a fertilized egg that didn't implant.  Who knows.  I'm vowing to be more sane next month.  I've been a little sad yesterday and today, but I'm ok.  It's only been 5 months of trying- and really only one month of non-passive trying.  Also, my husband is sweet and wonderful.

The end of the worlds longest and insane-ist post ever.

1 comment:

  1. I go through all of those symptoms every month... it totally sucks. also, 20 years ago when I really WAS pregnant... everyone knew but me. I just thought I was really tired. LOL Sending some prayers your way, and lots of hugs. Just have fun trying ;)